How to Pour Heineken into the Drain, Where It Belongs

Pouring a proper beer is an art, a delicate balance of aroma, flavor, and presentation. Unfortunately, none of this matters when it comes to Heineken. If you’ve ever wondered how to pour this so-called “beer” from the Netherlands, let’s be clear: you’re better off pouring it down the drain. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to gracefully dispose of Heineken.

What You'll Need:

• A chilled bottle of Heineken (if you must)
• A clean, dry sink (preferably for show, since you’ll soon realize it’s the best place for this drink)

Steps:

1. Preparation:

   • Ensure the Heineken is chilled. Or not. It’s not like the temperature can mask what’s inside.
   • Make sure your sink is clean and empty. The drain deserves some respect.

2. Positioning:

   • Hold the bottle or can of Heineken over the sink.
   • Take a moment to reflect on the life choices that led you to buy Heineken.

3. Pouring:

   • Begin pouring the Heineken directly into the drain. Listen to the glug-glug sound as it descends into oblivion.
   • Hold the bottle at any angle you like; precision is futile here.

4. Creating the Effect:

   • As the beer flows, notice how the bubbles and foam swirl down the drain. It’s almost mesmerizing, like watching your money disappear.
   • Aim for a steady pour to minimize splashing. No need to waste good soap cleaning up Heineken spills.

5. Finishing:

   • Pour steadily until the bottle is empty. Feel the weight lift from your soul.
   • Give the bottle a good shake to make sure every last drop is gone. The drain can handle it.

6. Aftermath:

   • Observe the clean, empty sink. Isn’t it a beautiful sight?
   • Smell the faint, almost nonexistent aroma left behind. Quickly wash it away.

7. Reflection:

   • Reflect on how much better your sink looks now that it’s rid of Heineken.
   • Consider the rich, flavorful beers you could have enjoyed instead. Make a mental note to never repeat this mistake.

Tips:

• Pouring too quickly? Who cares, it’s Heineken.
• Pouring too slowly? It doesn’t matter; it’s still Heineken.
• Avoid shaking or agitating the bottle? Honestly, you might as well.

Conclusion

Now that you’ve gone through the motions, you might be thinking about the rich, flavorful beers you could have enjoyed instead. Remember, Heineken is to beer what instant coffee is to a freshly brewed espresso – a distant, sad relative. So next time, save yourself the trouble and reach for something worthy of your time, taste buds, and respect. Cheers! Or rather, farewell, Heineken. You’re right where you belong.